Recently i watched 'The Voyage of the Dawn Treader' at the movies. i had read & re-read all the books from C.S. Lewis' 'Chronicles of Narnia' several times growing up & was especially captivated by the story of the Dawn Treader. Maybe the reason i enjoyed it so much was that it was a story i could identify with. All the main characters at one time or another had to face & conquer their demons. i could especially relate to the challenges Eustace had to face as the enchanted dragon.
Last year i had my own personal challenges to face. In fact for many months i could have been that dragon. Living a wonderful life with a loving husband & two great kids but unable to freely enjoy living in the fullness of that because i felt trapped. Trapped, not by my circumstances, but by my identity - by who i knew myself to be. Little 'niggles' that i had tried to manage or ignore for a long time grew & grew, until they were big issues that i could no longer push away or patch up. These interfered with & hindered my most precious relationships - with my husband & my children. i decided to seek counselling.
More times than i can remember, i regretted that decision. i had naively thought that i could sort these 'issues' out quickly, without any hard work, without having to engage. But in embarking on that journey i had unleashed a dragon. The dragon being me. During that time, i know i was incredibly hard to live with. i still marvel at my husband's patience & my childrens' willingness to forgive. Throughout that process i felt vulnerable & exposed. The more honest i became & the more i was willing to face up to, the more difficult things became. Much of the time i felt like i was suffocating, like i was constantly in a struggle. My mind was in confusion & i felt like i was in a battle. i would like to say that i fought couragiously. i didn't. Most of the time i just thrashed around wildly, lashing out blindly at anyone close by. Like i said, i am blessed with a very forgiving family.
In the movie, there is a short but pivotal scene in which the dragon is sitting on the beach, exhausted & scratching at his scales, attempting to shed his skin. In the end it is Aslan who must remove the scales & in so doing reveals the new Eustace. In the book, C.S. Lewis elaborates on this process & talks about the pain involved. This scene had a deep impact on me. During my time in counselling, i was able to identify significant past experiences that had contributed to the way i saw myself & life, and my resulting thoughts, beliefs & behaviours. This knowledge was helpful to some extent. But so what? i didn't know what to do with that knowledge. I couldn't feel what i was supposed to feel, i didn't know how to deal with emotions. I couldn't move forward. Like the dragon i had some limited success at removing some scales but there was no breakthrough, no transformation. I was exhausted, i couldn't fight any more & so finally i surrendered. Not to my situation, past experiences or to fate. i surrendered to Someone.
In the movie, there are moments that Lucy craves, moments she longs for; the times when Aslan appears - usually only briefly, when everything becomes still; time is suspended, & everything is in his control. I empathize with Lucy's longing. There were so many times last year when i longed for God to appear. i know it sounds crazy but i just wanted to know His tangible presence. i wanted Him to be there with me, physically. i thought, if He just came down, just for a moment, if i could touch Him, if He could tell me in an audible voice that He loved me . . .then everything would be o.k., everything would fall into place & i wouldn't have to struggle anymore.
Shortly before all of this struggling began i had a dream. i was walking along a road & to my right the road dropped away sharply. i was in total darkness & was moving forward very slowly & cautiously. Suddenly i stumbled & in an attempt to regain some balance i threw my hands out. In that moment my right hand connected with something. i realized it was resting on the side of some great beast & this beast was between me & the edge of the road. It was moving forward slowly & steadily, & with my hand still resting there i moved forward too, still unable to see anything. The feelings i experienced are difficult to explain. I could hardly breathe, terrified because i knew this beast was powerful & dangerous and yet . . . completely protected because of its presence. We continued to move forward silently until i reached safety & then it was gone. When i woke up i wondered if this might be something like being in God's presence.
Even though i knew it was only a dream, throughout the difficult times that dream would give me hope. And so finally i surrendered. i surrendered to God. & admitted to Him that it wasn't something i could sort out or control. i needed Him. And so He tore at the scales. it was uncomfortable. it hurt.
but then He spoke to me, not in a loud roar. More like a whisper. Through His Word & a picture, & a dream . . . and then there was a gentle realization that i wasn't the dragon anymore. i was me. but i was a new me.
2 Corinthians 5 v 17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
a new identity
i'm breaking my rules tonight. This blog won't be about my children. It won't be an attempt at some well-constructed writing. i just want to write a little bit about what is currently going on for me. i am doing some growing & its really hard. i'm struggling. let me explain.
i was brought up in a Christian family. At 16 i saw so much hypocrisy in Christian circles & i was filled with doubt about the whole 'God' thing. i remember i was at a crossroads - would i chose to continue following this Christian faith or would i walk away from it all & find my own way? i was miserable at the time, empty & i felt like i had no direction. i cried out to God one night, just a simple request - 'God, you got to help me 'cos otherwise i don't know what i'm gonna do . . . ' that was all. Over the next few days i discovered a new peace, no big revelation or anything, just a quiet calm inside & something interesting when i read the Bible. It came alive for me in a completely new way. it spoke to me. i came to the conclusion that a lot of Christians ARE hypocrites (maybe we all are?) but i wasn't following them. i was going to follow Jesus. I chose Him.
Through my late teens & early twenties i struggled with depression. I didn't think of it as depression at the time. It didn't seem right that a Christian would batttle with depression. But i did, i REALLY did. I had this bizarre situation where i felt so close to God, like He was so real & relevant in my life & yet i was so miserable & didn't want to be here. i will share more about that some other time. The amazing thing was that in my first year of marriage to my utter disbelief & joy, i came through it. God really healed me in a lot of areas. Last year i stood up in church & shared some of my story. At the end i triumphantly announced that God had set me free!
Then this year it all blew up in my face. i found myself doubting whether i'd ever really been set free at all. i have to be honest, i have a pretty awesome life - a wonderful husband, two energetic, beautiful children. i love where i live, great friends . . . but . But.
Perhaps, for the first time in several years things have slowed down somewhat. Maybe i now have a little more time to sit & breath & reflect. Or maybe its just that God has His perfect timing to work things out? I'm sure there must be some Bible verse somewhere to support that statement. And part of my dilemma is knowing whether or not God has put His finger on something, that He is allowing this, or that i'm struggling simply because i'm a bad person . .. or, i don't know. Regardless, i'm struggling. All this stuff from years ago, coming up & shoving itself in my face, saying 'you have to deal with me now, whether you want to or not'. So inconvenient. Trying to learn how to forgive, & let go of anger, & allowing myself to feel some pain, instead of being numb. Its so hard. I don't want to even admit pain, it makes me feel weak. I feel like i'm fighting all the time, & i'm tired. i'm going to finish there. No, i'm going to leave with a song i wrote years ago, which has become relevant to my situation once again, something i wrote the other day & some Bible verses to speak some truth into the situation. I would value your input. Maybe you can speak some truth into this situation too.
When the darkness surrounds I'll hold on, hold on to you.
And when i don't know, just don't know why,
I'll hold on to you,
Right now i'm empty & i'm floating, will you hold on to me?
Right now my heart is grieving & i don't know why,
Will you hold on to me?
Could you lead me, & will you follow me?
Will you guide me through this place, if I hold on, hold on to you?
I long to know your touch & i can't understand why i can't be with you
But i know thats not for now . . .
Jesus, you are everything to me, & even though i can't see
I'll put my trust in you, & i'll hold on
I'll wait on you, I'll wait for you, carry me through.
2 Corinthians 5 vs 17 -19 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation.
i am broken into a thousand tiny pieces and i despair,
there's no hope, how can i ever be made whole?
but then you come along & gently gather up these pieces,
& you cover me with your hand of Grace
& now all you see when you look at me, clothed in righteousness,
is purity
& you call me your girl, cherished & loved
& cautiously i step out in my new identity
Colossians 3 vs 9-10 Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self, with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.
1 Phillipians vs 6 . . . he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
i was brought up in a Christian family. At 16 i saw so much hypocrisy in Christian circles & i was filled with doubt about the whole 'God' thing. i remember i was at a crossroads - would i chose to continue following this Christian faith or would i walk away from it all & find my own way? i was miserable at the time, empty & i felt like i had no direction. i cried out to God one night, just a simple request - 'God, you got to help me 'cos otherwise i don't know what i'm gonna do . . . ' that was all. Over the next few days i discovered a new peace, no big revelation or anything, just a quiet calm inside & something interesting when i read the Bible. It came alive for me in a completely new way. it spoke to me. i came to the conclusion that a lot of Christians ARE hypocrites (maybe we all are?) but i wasn't following them. i was going to follow Jesus. I chose Him.
Through my late teens & early twenties i struggled with depression. I didn't think of it as depression at the time. It didn't seem right that a Christian would batttle with depression. But i did, i REALLY did. I had this bizarre situation where i felt so close to God, like He was so real & relevant in my life & yet i was so miserable & didn't want to be here. i will share more about that some other time. The amazing thing was that in my first year of marriage to my utter disbelief & joy, i came through it. God really healed me in a lot of areas. Last year i stood up in church & shared some of my story. At the end i triumphantly announced that God had set me free!
Then this year it all blew up in my face. i found myself doubting whether i'd ever really been set free at all. i have to be honest, i have a pretty awesome life - a wonderful husband, two energetic, beautiful children. i love where i live, great friends . . . but . But.
Perhaps, for the first time in several years things have slowed down somewhat. Maybe i now have a little more time to sit & breath & reflect. Or maybe its just that God has His perfect timing to work things out? I'm sure there must be some Bible verse somewhere to support that statement. And part of my dilemma is knowing whether or not God has put His finger on something, that He is allowing this, or that i'm struggling simply because i'm a bad person . .. or, i don't know. Regardless, i'm struggling. All this stuff from years ago, coming up & shoving itself in my face, saying 'you have to deal with me now, whether you want to or not'. So inconvenient. Trying to learn how to forgive, & let go of anger, & allowing myself to feel some pain, instead of being numb. Its so hard. I don't want to even admit pain, it makes me feel weak. I feel like i'm fighting all the time, & i'm tired. i'm going to finish there. No, i'm going to leave with a song i wrote years ago, which has become relevant to my situation once again, something i wrote the other day & some Bible verses to speak some truth into the situation. I would value your input. Maybe you can speak some truth into this situation too.
When the darkness surrounds I'll hold on, hold on to you.
And when i don't know, just don't know why,
I'll hold on to you,
Right now i'm empty & i'm floating, will you hold on to me?
Right now my heart is grieving & i don't know why,
Will you hold on to me?
Could you lead me, & will you follow me?
Will you guide me through this place, if I hold on, hold on to you?
I long to know your touch & i can't understand why i can't be with you
But i know thats not for now . . .
Jesus, you are everything to me, & even though i can't see
I'll put my trust in you, & i'll hold on
I'll wait on you, I'll wait for you, carry me through.
2 Corinthians 5 vs 17 -19 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation.
i am broken into a thousand tiny pieces and i despair,
there's no hope, how can i ever be made whole?
but then you come along & gently gather up these pieces,
& you cover me with your hand of Grace
& now all you see when you look at me, clothed in righteousness,
is purity
& you call me your girl, cherished & loved
& cautiously i step out in my new identity
Colossians 3 vs 9-10 Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self, with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.
1 Phillipians vs 6 . . . he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
longing for some trusted truth . . .
One of the highlights of my school years was the annual sports day and family picnic that was held at the start of each school year. We would conclude the day with a swim at the local pools. I remember feeling quite brave as an eight or 9 year old, as I climbed to the top of the water slide & whooshed down into waist deep water. But it wasn't long before I was ready to take on the diving boards. I remember one year, maybe i was twelve or 13. It was near the end of the day & time to hit the pools. After splashing around in the water for a bit I headed for the diving boards. There were two of them - the short one and the high one. The short diving board was popular with most of the older girls & some younger children who were confident swimmers but the only kids attempting the high diving board were the college-aged boys. In a moment of mad determination i decided i too would jump from the high board. However, when i asked a teacher if this was ok, i was informed that girls were not allowed to jump; they must dive (due to health reasons). As i climbed the ladder, terrified, I knew that if i was going to go through with the dive, I needed to do it quickly, without any hesitation. Reaching the top of the ladder I stood, then carefully walked to the end of the board. I looked down to the water below. It looked further than i could have imagined. I took a deep breath, lifted my arms over my head & dived.
I imagine i emerged from the water that day; triumphant - the only girl, maybe the only kid in the whole school to dive from the high diving board. But that's not a memory that remains. The memory that does remain is more a feeling. The strangest sensation of falling through the air, waiting to reach the water for what seemed like an eternity. And i didn't like it.
When i was pregnant with my first baby i was fearful about what could go wrong, especially of miscarriage. i knew the statistics for miscarriage, especially in the first trimester. i was nervous about telling people that i was pregnant in those early weeks, like somehow that would 'jinx' things. I didn't want to get my hopes up or dare get excited in case it was all taken away from me. More specifically, that God would take it all away from me. i was scared that i would lose the baby & then it would be as though nothing had ever happened. As i thought about it & talked to a few people close to me i was able to get to a place where i felt ok about telling people i was pregnant. Because even though this little thing inside me was tiny, & couldn't yet be seen, she was a little life forming & i already loved her & if something bad did happen, then it would be ok for me to grieve. I held on to Ps 139 & just had to trust that God had my best at heart. It helped me to be in a more peaceful place during my pregnancy.
When my little girl was born i felt so blessed to have this treasure in my life. I told myself that it wasn't my right to be a parent, but my privilege. She wasn't mine, but one of God's children placed in my care to raise until she was capable of making it on her own. Which is all airy fairy, oops . . . i mean all good in theory. Except you kind of get attached to the little critters. And i was still so aware of how fragile this precious life was. And i was still fearful.
Last year my litle girl suffered a convulsion. There had been warning signs leading up to it but i had failed to pick up on them until it was too late. Amazingly, i was on the phone to a lady from Healthline at the time it happened. She told me what to do, then put me on hold while she called an ambulance. As i waited, my mind began to race - what was going on here? Would she be ok or was this something more sinister like meningitis? I was terrified she was going to die.
I began to pray and as i prayed, instead of being filled with peace & reassurance, i despaired. And as i watched my child convulsing, i once again experienced the strange sensation that i had jumping from the high dive that day. There i was endlessly falling . . . plunging helplessly with no control over anything. I should have felt like i was crying out to a caring, faithful Father. Instead i was overcome with a sense of helplessness, like i trying to reason with Someone random & unpredictable. I felt like it didn't matter what i said, He was just going to do whatever He wanted to, & i was completely powerless.
Bugsy quickly recovered from the convulsion & bounced back from the virus that brought it on, within a few days. However, i was left shaken, physically. But also spiritually. Up until that moment, if you had asked me about my faith in God i would have told you that i had a strong faith in Him, that i trusted Him. But that incident revealed to me my true feelings. I was shocked to realize that I really didn't trust Him at all.
Since then i have battled with this whole issue of trust. Ok, i get that we are in a fallen (sinful) world. And i realize that i'm just a small human, with limited understanding, who can't see the whole picture. Isaiah 55 vs 8 & 9 - 'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.' But what about my friends, believing they were only able to conceive through IVF, elated to find themselves with a 'natural' pregnancy, only to lose the baby at 17 weeks? Or a pregnant woman who carries a healthy baby full-term, then discovering that her child has died in the womb, hours before birth? Or my own brother dying just days before his second birthday after a 'routine' eye operation that went wrong? Where is my caring, faithful Father in these situations? I know that sometimes against-all-odds miracles do occur. Its just that my heart says that He's supposed to be this all-powerful, loving Dad, yet i still find Him random & unpredictable. And if you can't even rely on Him to answer consistently when you pray, then WHAT IS THE POINT?
And then i have to stop & ask myself - does unpredictable equal unreasonable, irrational, unreliable? I don't think so. I look at my own life up until this point, and even though i have gone through some challenging times, I can say with honesty that He has never let me down. And I look at the Bible & what it says about His character and Who He is.
Hebrews 13 v 5b - God has said, 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you'.
I have to be honest, I have rewritten parts of this blog more times than I care to remember. These last couple of weeks, this whole issue of ‘trusting God’ has weighed heavy on my mind. Today I sat down to pray & remembered the verse – ‘Be still & know that I am God’ – Ps. 46 vs 10a. And so, I was still . . . and as I sat there suddenly I was overcome with the knowledge that He Is God. The God of the universe, yes. Not random & detached . . . but there with me. How bizarre and humbling to think that He wanted to be there with me! That He wants a relationship with me. And that He is good.
Exodus 34 vs 6 The LORD, the LORD, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness . . .
Zephaniah 3:17 The LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love . . .
And as I sat there in His presence, my doubt & distrust faded into the background. I don’t understand God. I don’t understand why He allows some tragic & unfair things to happen; why some prayers seemingly go unanswered. But I do know that He is good and I live in hope that one day I will be able to look back & understand the whole story.
1 Corinthians 13:12 Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
Hebrews 10:23 Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised IS FAITHFUL.
Run away. Searching for release; some relief
Will it always be this way?
What comes of hope? Longing for some trusted truth . . .
Take a breath and look to the light.
I imagine i emerged from the water that day; triumphant - the only girl, maybe the only kid in the whole school to dive from the high diving board. But that's not a memory that remains. The memory that does remain is more a feeling. The strangest sensation of falling through the air, waiting to reach the water for what seemed like an eternity. And i didn't like it.
When i was pregnant with my first baby i was fearful about what could go wrong, especially of miscarriage. i knew the statistics for miscarriage, especially in the first trimester. i was nervous about telling people that i was pregnant in those early weeks, like somehow that would 'jinx' things. I didn't want to get my hopes up or dare get excited in case it was all taken away from me. More specifically, that God would take it all away from me. i was scared that i would lose the baby & then it would be as though nothing had ever happened. As i thought about it & talked to a few people close to me i was able to get to a place where i felt ok about telling people i was pregnant. Because even though this little thing inside me was tiny, & couldn't yet be seen, she was a little life forming & i already loved her & if something bad did happen, then it would be ok for me to grieve. I held on to Ps 139 & just had to trust that God had my best at heart. It helped me to be in a more peaceful place during my pregnancy.
When my little girl was born i felt so blessed to have this treasure in my life. I told myself that it wasn't my right to be a parent, but my privilege. She wasn't mine, but one of God's children placed in my care to raise until she was capable of making it on her own. Which is all airy fairy, oops . . . i mean all good in theory. Except you kind of get attached to the little critters. And i was still so aware of how fragile this precious life was. And i was still fearful.
Last year my litle girl suffered a convulsion. There had been warning signs leading up to it but i had failed to pick up on them until it was too late. Amazingly, i was on the phone to a lady from Healthline at the time it happened. She told me what to do, then put me on hold while she called an ambulance. As i waited, my mind began to race - what was going on here? Would she be ok or was this something more sinister like meningitis? I was terrified she was going to die.
I began to pray and as i prayed, instead of being filled with peace & reassurance, i despaired. And as i watched my child convulsing, i once again experienced the strange sensation that i had jumping from the high dive that day. There i was endlessly falling . . . plunging helplessly with no control over anything. I should have felt like i was crying out to a caring, faithful Father. Instead i was overcome with a sense of helplessness, like i trying to reason with Someone random & unpredictable. I felt like it didn't matter what i said, He was just going to do whatever He wanted to, & i was completely powerless.
Bugsy quickly recovered from the convulsion & bounced back from the virus that brought it on, within a few days. However, i was left shaken, physically. But also spiritually. Up until that moment, if you had asked me about my faith in God i would have told you that i had a strong faith in Him, that i trusted Him. But that incident revealed to me my true feelings. I was shocked to realize that I really didn't trust Him at all.
Since then i have battled with this whole issue of trust. Ok, i get that we are in a fallen (sinful) world. And i realize that i'm just a small human, with limited understanding, who can't see the whole picture. Isaiah 55 vs 8 & 9 - 'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.' But what about my friends, believing they were only able to conceive through IVF, elated to find themselves with a 'natural' pregnancy, only to lose the baby at 17 weeks? Or a pregnant woman who carries a healthy baby full-term, then discovering that her child has died in the womb, hours before birth? Or my own brother dying just days before his second birthday after a 'routine' eye operation that went wrong? Where is my caring, faithful Father in these situations? I know that sometimes against-all-odds miracles do occur. Its just that my heart says that He's supposed to be this all-powerful, loving Dad, yet i still find Him random & unpredictable. And if you can't even rely on Him to answer consistently when you pray, then WHAT IS THE POINT?
And then i have to stop & ask myself - does unpredictable equal unreasonable, irrational, unreliable? I don't think so. I look at my own life up until this point, and even though i have gone through some challenging times, I can say with honesty that He has never let me down. And I look at the Bible & what it says about His character and Who He is.
Hebrews 13 v 5b - God has said, 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you'.
I have to be honest, I have rewritten parts of this blog more times than I care to remember. These last couple of weeks, this whole issue of ‘trusting God’ has weighed heavy on my mind. Today I sat down to pray & remembered the verse – ‘Be still & know that I am God’ – Ps. 46 vs 10a. And so, I was still . . . and as I sat there suddenly I was overcome with the knowledge that He Is God. The God of the universe, yes. Not random & detached . . . but there with me. How bizarre and humbling to think that He wanted to be there with me! That He wants a relationship with me. And that He is good.
Exodus 34 vs 6 The LORD, the LORD, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness . . .
Zephaniah 3:17 The LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love . . .
And as I sat there in His presence, my doubt & distrust faded into the background. I don’t understand God. I don’t understand why He allows some tragic & unfair things to happen; why some prayers seemingly go unanswered. But I do know that He is good and I live in hope that one day I will be able to look back & understand the whole story.
1 Corinthians 13:12 Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
Hebrews 10:23 Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised IS FAITHFUL.
Run away. Searching for release; some relief
Will it always be this way?
What comes of hope? Longing for some trusted truth . . .
Take a breath and look to the light.
Friday, November 13, 2009
in His arms
i looked down at my little boy tonight - running nose & tear-streaked face. He was finally sleeping as i held him in my arms. He'd had a busy day . . . bouncing around in his jolly jumper, kicking about on the floor, being snuggled a little too tightly by his over-zealous 2-year old sister, and jostled through the supermarket in his front pack, amongst other activities. He was seriously short on some decent nap-time and was letting it be known that he was desperate for sleep. I'd fed him, changed his nappy, put him in his pj's & sleeping bag, and tucked him into his cot but he was still protesting. Loudly. Even having his bottom patted just wasn't going to cut it tonight. I picked him up, held him close, gently rocked him with a few 'shh, shh, shh's & smiled as i felt his body relax & his breathing become deep & even. Safe & secure in my arms, he slept.
As a child, I remember feeling safest & most secure when my dad was holding me in his arms. I don't know how old i was when i outgrew that phase but recall looking on enviously when my younger sister was still small enough to be held in that same way. I have found the last four months extremely challenging & wonder how the requirements & responsibilities of caring for my two small children can be so much greater than looking after and teaching a class of thirty ever was. And there have been times during this period when, exhausted & overwhelmed, i would have loved to just crawl into some bigger person's arms & be gently rocked with a few 'shh, shh, shh's, and, reassured that everything would be ok, fallen to sleep.
The love that i have for my children is like nothing i have ever experienced. It almost seems i have no choice in the matter; i can't help but love them. I worry about them, take pride in them, and sometimes obsess over them. i'm imperfect & maybe one day it will be more difficult than that. But I think about them more than they could know & i love them in a way that they could never love me. I think that perhaps i love my parents because of the love they have shown me, & my love for my husband is deepened by what he brings to our relationship. But my children - they don't have to do anything. I love them simply because they exist.
It is difficult to imagine someone loving me in that way. It is only in being a parent myself that i have had the smallest glimpse into the love that God says He has for me.
Ps 45 v 11 - the king is enthralled by your beauty, honour him for he is your Lord.
Zeph 3 v17 - the Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.
Psalm 139 vs 5,7-9, 17 & 18
5 You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? 8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, 10 even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.17 How precious to [concerning] me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! 18 Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you.
& i guess the greater difficulty is choosing to believe those words. That they are truth & that they are meant for me. That when I'm feeling stressed & overwhelmed, Someone Greater than me loves me simply because i exist & longs to pick me up, hold me close, gently rock me in His arms, whisper a few 'shh, shh, shh's & softly sing me to sleep.
I'm enthralled by your beauty, I think about you more than you could know . . .I'll pursue you 'til you know how precious you are to Me. I've cried so many tears for you. I've watched you from a distance & sometimes closer than your skin. I breathed & you were and still . . . I'm captivated by you.
As a child, I remember feeling safest & most secure when my dad was holding me in his arms. I don't know how old i was when i outgrew that phase but recall looking on enviously when my younger sister was still small enough to be held in that same way. I have found the last four months extremely challenging & wonder how the requirements & responsibilities of caring for my two small children can be so much greater than looking after and teaching a class of thirty ever was. And there have been times during this period when, exhausted & overwhelmed, i would have loved to just crawl into some bigger person's arms & be gently rocked with a few 'shh, shh, shh's, and, reassured that everything would be ok, fallen to sleep.
The love that i have for my children is like nothing i have ever experienced. It almost seems i have no choice in the matter; i can't help but love them. I worry about them, take pride in them, and sometimes obsess over them. i'm imperfect & maybe one day it will be more difficult than that. But I think about them more than they could know & i love them in a way that they could never love me. I think that perhaps i love my parents because of the love they have shown me, & my love for my husband is deepened by what he brings to our relationship. But my children - they don't have to do anything. I love them simply because they exist.
It is difficult to imagine someone loving me in that way. It is only in being a parent myself that i have had the smallest glimpse into the love that God says He has for me.
Ps 45 v 11 - the king is enthralled by your beauty, honour him for he is your Lord.
Zeph 3 v17 - the Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.
Psalm 139 vs 5,7-9, 17 & 18
5 You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? 8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, 10 even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.17 How precious to [concerning] me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! 18 Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you.
& i guess the greater difficulty is choosing to believe those words. That they are truth & that they are meant for me. That when I'm feeling stressed & overwhelmed, Someone Greater than me loves me simply because i exist & longs to pick me up, hold me close, gently rock me in His arms, whisper a few 'shh, shh, shh's & softly sing me to sleep.
I'm enthralled by your beauty, I think about you more than you could know . . .I'll pursue you 'til you know how precious you are to Me. I've cried so many tears for you. I've watched you from a distance & sometimes closer than your skin. I breathed & you were and still . . . I'm captivated by you.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
eyes always watching . . .
One thing i love about being a mum is the fact that i can be completely myself with my kids. I mean, with Bugsy, i can dance around the lounge to 'hi-five' like a crazy woman (i don't dance - not even in front of my husband) and she is absolutely delighted. I can make up silly songs that don't rhyme or really even make sense & she thinks they are the greatest songs in the world. & we love to laugh together loudly when one of us does a particularly musical 'parp'. I love the fact that she is still young enough to think that i am amazing. She watches me as i get ready in the morning & when i'm putting on my make-up, she wants 'pretty eyes' too. She has even started using expresions like 'cool man' or 'omygosh' - phrases she has learned from me. I've heard people say that kids are like sponges. Just soaking up; absorbing, everything they see & hear. & thats the problem isn't it? A couple of weeks ago i lost my temper & yelled (i mean YELLED) at my husband & used language that precious little ears should never be subjected to. The very same mother who is always saying 'in our family we don't use loud, shouting voices', when Bugsy gets over-excited or decides to throw a tantrum. Talk about confusing. When it was all over, I apologized to my husband but i also had to apologize to Bugsy. Which brings me to these verses:
It would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around his neck than for him to cause one of these little ones to sin - Luke 17 v 2
Not many of you should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly - James 3 v 1
And as parents of little kiddies, we are their teachers. And you can talk to them about values & the right way to behave until you're blue in the face. But they learn most about what you truely value by observing you in every day life. Conversations & interactions with your friends, the way in which you relate with your husband, what you choose to watch on t.v. or listen to on the radio when they're in your presence. Or how you handle situations when the pressure is on. Those verses are pretty heavy & its HARD. For me its the times like when i'm late for an appointment & stuck on the highway behind an old biddy who is convinced that the speed limit is not 100k at all, its 50. Or when i'm in the middle of cooking tea & one kid needs their nappy changed & the other one is eating the cat food. Sometimes i feel like wretched Gollum from 'The Lord of the Rings' . . . "eyes always watching . . ." And i think it would be very tempting to just throw in the towel except for two facts. I have children who are very forgiving & a God who is unfailingly gracious, who 'arms me with strength & makes my way perfect' (Ps. 18 v 32).
It would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around his neck than for him to cause one of these little ones to sin - Luke 17 v 2
Not many of you should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly - James 3 v 1
And as parents of little kiddies, we are their teachers. And you can talk to them about values & the right way to behave until you're blue in the face. But they learn most about what you truely value by observing you in every day life. Conversations & interactions with your friends, the way in which you relate with your husband, what you choose to watch on t.v. or listen to on the radio when they're in your presence. Or how you handle situations when the pressure is on. Those verses are pretty heavy & its HARD. For me its the times like when i'm late for an appointment & stuck on the highway behind an old biddy who is convinced that the speed limit is not 100k at all, its 50. Or when i'm in the middle of cooking tea & one kid needs their nappy changed & the other one is eating the cat food. Sometimes i feel like wretched Gollum from 'The Lord of the Rings' . . . "eyes always watching . . ." And i think it would be very tempting to just throw in the towel except for two facts. I have children who are very forgiving & a God who is unfailingly gracious, who 'arms me with strength & makes my way perfect' (Ps. 18 v 32).
Thursday, September 3, 2009
learning as i go
it was a beautiful mid-summers day & i was sitting on the beach listening to my sister & sister-in-law discuss the 'joys' of having babies. The leaking boobs, sleepless nights, tearing during childbirth . . . i distinctly remember saying 'and thats just one of the reasons i want to adopt'. It reaffirmed my feeling that pregnancy, childbirth & all they entail just weren't for me. I'll be honest . . . it sounded painful & scary & generally unpleasant. Yes, i'm a selfish person. And even as a child, i was never baby crazy - unlike my sisters. i had no real desire to hold people's babies. Occasionally someone did make the mistake of placing their child in my arms. It was inevitable that the very same baby who had smiled & cooed while being in my sisters' arms would suddenly turn to a purple, screaming mess the moment i took hold of them. Can babies smell fear? Even as an adult i became an expert at avoiding eye contact with the baby's owner if they came near me or would politely pat the child & say something expected like 'o, isn't he cute' with as much 'genuine' enthusiasm i could muster. so, it was slightly ironic returning home from my beach holiday to discover less than a week later that i was indeed pregnant. so here i am a little over two years down the track with two little monkeys. its been interesting to say the least. i have discovered that the whole baby thing is much more fulfilling and rewarding, and so much more challenging than i could ever have imagined . & i wouldn't trade it for anything.
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